Let Go and Let...Me

I've spent the last few days doing a lot of deep breathing, reading a self help book that I love and think will eventually, you know, help and taking walks.  I've even started meditating, if you can call rolling on the floor and cracking my neck while mentally going over my tax returns meditating.

I'm doing all this because I am trying to become a better person.  I'd like to be a saner, happier, thinner beacon of light that people, animals, money and good ideas are drawn to.  

At the moment, I feel more like one of those bug zappers that electrocutes innocent moths and pesky mosquitoes without differentiating between the two.  I tend to snap at people I love and people I don't in equal measure.  I scream at poor drivers and comment loudly and sarcastically if you say, step between me and the thing I am looking at in the meat case at the grocery store.  "Am I invisible?"  "No, really, I wasn't trying to look at anything!"  "OBLIVIOUS!!!"...all phrases that I uttered in my last shopping excursion.  

I take everything personally.  I feel way too much; good and bad.  I have major anger issues.  I don't have much of a filter; if I think it, I will most likely say it, unless I am physically unable to speak at the moment.

None of this has made me very popular.  

I have no idea how to make small talk and really, no desire to do it.  I don't care about your kid/boss/car/spouse; I hardly know you.  Not that I don't try.  I smile and say hi to people that I know by face or name while waiting for our kids to finish basketball/wrestling/guitar lessons and then, they usually start talking to someone else.  Once that happens, I usually stick my face in a book and don't look up until it is absolutely necessary. It feels like that time in sixth grade when I gathered all my courage to go and hang out with the popular girls at recess and they acted like I was not even there.  I just stood there, not wanting to call more attention to myself by walking away, until the bell rang.  I never said a word about it to anyone, but to this day, that memory haunts me.

I felt totally rejected when I made a plan for drinks with a few friends and only one person showed up.  I get it. I happens.  I could chalk it up to that if it hadn't happened over and over and over again.  

Hence, the self help books and extra walking and meditating and primal screaming ( I am really good at the last one, but my cats and neighbors really hate it!).  I am trying to figure out how to be more attractive to the universe and all the good things in it.  I know that it is me that needs fixing.  I can't control what anyone else does.  And feeling bad and let down hasn't helped.  I'm working on me.  

Now, buzz off.